Tuesday, October 13, 2009

closing Ala Carte


I have no experience with cats, so I really can't be a judge if ours is weird or not. In the mist of a deep, heart to heart with my hubby, with tears and frustration spilling over, our cat decided that this is the time to go berserk. I think he thinks he is superman as the zips around the house, zooming up the funiture and curtians, leaping over knick nacks on the end tables. He had us laughing so hard. He is just what we need during this time.

Psalm 13

How long, O Lord? will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O lord my God. Restore the sparkle to my eyes. My enemy will say "I have overcome him and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me. Psalm 13

I can't believe how often my mind think "it just isn't fair that Jim died."
As if Life and death has some sense of justice. As if God doesn't know what He is doing. AS if He is not in control. Things come up during the day and I think about Jim and again I think, it just isn't fair, he shouldn't have died.

Then we lose my oldest daughter, she is pregnant with my grand-daughter (she found out yesterday) living with a guy she moved in with 1 week after meeting him. She is happy with her life as it is.

Now, Beloved, Her boyfriend refuses to come around here because of shame? embarrassment?, fear? I am not sure. So Beloved takes him to her biological mother's house to hang out all day there. He will go there into a house of "thieves" comfortable around those who rejoice in sin and lies and encourage others to join them.
V. 2 How long will my enemy triumph over me? v 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
And "Falling" I am.

Offered Communion yesterday at church, My heart festering with bitterness and disappointment, hardening against my loving God, broken with my unworthiness. My tears soaking my shirt as I stared at the communion element in my hands.

"Take communion with Faith" my sister in Christ leaned over to whispered to me.
So simple,
It is not what I do or don't do, It is not who I am or how I feel at the moment.

It is what HE DID, WHO HE IS, HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME. It is about the sacrifice He was willing to pay for ME. FAITH

V"6 I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Stand Still

This is what I wanted, this is what my heart yearned for, I had only to take little steps of obedience and God did the rest.
So why am I so anxious, fearful, tearful? Why am I pacing around like a caged animal one minute than wanting to crawl in bed and sleep for hours the next?
Why do I have so many confusing emotions and none of them the “right ones”

I should be over joy-ed with gratitude to God for giving me my hearts desire.
I will have a restored relationship with my daughter, my angel, I will get to hold my grand baby and pray over her. God has taken the deep longings of my heart and fulfilled them.
Why am I not screaming His Praises from the rafters. He is defiantly worthy of them? What is wrong with me? My heart is terrified but where my head says, “it is okay, this is in God’s hands.” Then my head jumps right on board with my heart. OH Brother.

I know I should be praising and thankful, will God think I am not grateful, will He disown me?

Who should I call, Whom should I reach out to , who will tell me the right way to handle this or the right way to feel, or the right way to be?

“Stand still, Stand still, Stand still.” My head screams out.
I stand still and that still small voice finishes for me, “ AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.’ Praise be my Lord. He is God no matter my circumstances . He loves me and fills the longing of my heart no matter how I act. He knows me He know I will get there. I need not fear because HE IS GOD. He will lead me step by step, He will guide me and heal me and hold me and love me through all my emotions.

Thanks be to God.

Got to go, must praise.

I can praise Him for who He is.