Today

Today, out of the blue, 6 year old Princess said..." I miss Papa's voice." I do too.:(

Grief

Grief feels alive.

Twirling it’s sharp fingers into your mind, weaving a tight fist around your stomach squeezing your heart.
Sometimes it feels like a sucker punch given when you lease expect it. Today, I was walking in Target and saw a three package of condiments ( Ketchup, mustard and Relish.) it was the pack to feed an army of people. Whoosh, the sucker punch came. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. “we will never need that again.” I thought through my tears.
See, my parents would buy those kind of things because between Jim’s kids and us my parents DID feed an army, but the party was never just limited to family… friends were invited in, friends of family members who my parents may have never met before were invited in and treated like family. “Eat, there is plenty of food.” my mom would say. Jim would cook it, my mom would organize it and together we would eat it. Millions of my greatest memories center around the family meals mom and Jim would prepare for us. Even if it was just my family there to eat, it was always a good time. Someday maybe I will be able to look at the large relish stuff and think of the good times, not hurt for the thing that will not be again.

Prodigals

"A Prodigal is someone who leaves the boundaries of their roots, heritage and safety of their home. A Prodigal is someone who is away from their support system., No one to support them, no one to give them good advice. But the good thing about Prodigals is they have somewhere to go when they come to their senses.... HOME." T. Stipe

simple solutions

Today as Sonshine and I were waiting for our car pool buddies, I was reading to him from the headlines on a Woman's Day magazine. "Oh look Sonshine, do you want to know 132 ways to keep your house clean?" He said, "I bet I know the first one, Live alone."

Beloved got her permit

Beloved has been driving us everywhere. No, not driving us crazy, actually driving us in the car. Yesterday we drove on the highway. She went from Kipling to Wadsworth. Princess got a bloody nose she wanted me to take care of but I had to let her bleed because I was very focused on holding my breath while we were on the highway. Beloved did awesome and as we exited she relaxed her white knuckle grip on the steering wheel. She said, " my hands are sweaty." I admited mine were too.

the valley

Sometime during the week, while we were wondering where Angel was because she had run away we received a devastating call at 12:00am Sunday morning. My beloved Step Dad Jim had died of a heart attack. This man and my mom were the first to encourage and pledge faithful support when we decided to adopt two preteen girls out of foster care. Jim was not blood related to me, my husband or my adopted daughters but unless you were told, you would never know. He loved us with all he had. Him and my mom were constant partners in raising two hurt and troubled teens and sometimes the teens hurt and troubled parents who adopted them.
I talked to Jim probably once a day and visited him at his business for coffee at least a couple times a week. Before I was pregnant with my son I worked with him as a cater and after my son was born, I would take him, his playpen and work in the shop. When my husband was between jobs, Jim gave him a job at his business although they couldn't really afford to hire someone. I miss him so much

Jim.

Jim
1941 -2009

Jim was born in Milwaukee, WI, He is survived by his wife Sue and his 3 sisters: Susie, Diane, Carol and Brother Mark. Jim has called Colorado home since 1963 where he raised his four children: Kenneth, Todd, Lisa and Andrew. He worked for the Denver Post for many years and also founded and operated several businesses in the Denver area. In 1993 Jim married his best friend Sue and together with a lot of love and food, brought their two families together. He became a father to Michelle, Robert, and Mark and a wonderful father in law to Carl, Nicole, Christine, Robin, Gary, and Barbara. Because of his life long dream, love for people and passion for food for the past 16 years, he and his wife Sue have owned and operated Ala Carte, Cakes, Catering and Deli in Arvada. Jim was a volunteer for Ride the Rockies and a trustee at the Elks Lodge in Arvada. Together, Jim and Sue made a tradition of devoting time to make cookies for the Arvada House during the holidays. He donated his delicious cakes for local fundraisers and silent auctions. He loved bowling, teaching his kids to play cribbage and spending quality time with everyone especially his 15 grandchildren. His kids remember their dad as a man that loved fishing, camping and enjoying the outdoors. Retirement plan for Jim meant becoming a full time Grandpa.” He was sweeter than all the candy he ever ate,.. Or gave the grandkids.” said his daughter in law Christine. Jim was a beloved husband, father, papa, grandpa, son in law and a friend to everyone.

Angel

My daughter Angel, has a mental illness. She hate when I say that. She is bipolar and on a manic high right now. She looks so much like a Schizophrenic it is scary. Her symptoms first showed up when she entered Jr. High. School. She really suffered a manic high when she entered high school. Then the low where she tried to commit suicide.
She did so well for a year and a half, getting good grades, relating well with others, was fun and enjoyable to be around. This last year she attended every class, arrived on time, took part in the passion play and many people commented on what a great person she was how she was going to do so many great things and help so many people with her passion for the disabled.

Then something flipped her switch. She shot back into manic behavior. She took off to live on the streets, under a bridge with other run away teens that she didn’t know. She did this for two weeks, was finally arrested and made her way to her biological mother’s work stating that she didn’t want to live on the streets anymore. She is now living with a woman who is proud that her 17 year old daughter got a tattoo that Angel’s 23 year old brother gave to her with his new tattoo gun.

We adopted Angel when she was 10 years old. We loved her through many out of control behaviors, through her lies about us, her hatred towards us and all we stood for. And we watched God heal the hurt and scars her bio parents inflicted upon her.

Then this. She has lied about us again, trying to destroy our family. Slashing out at us with invisible but sharp knifes that cut so deep and fast we don’t even know we are cut until our hearts are bleeding sorrow all over the place. I run around in circles trying to understand her behavior, trying to find what when wrong, but it is like trying to find a corner in a round room. She is sick. She is mentally ill. I have a friend that tells me this is the best day in age to have a mental illness, because there are so many great medicines out there. I am reading a book called A Brilliant Madness” by Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman. The author in there quotes, it is the only mental illness with a positive side. Apparently, in their manic state they are very creative. I have yet to see any positives.

I have no answers, I have no solutions, I have pain and frustrations and disappointment.

So… I will take my baby Angel and lay her at the feet of the only ONE who can make beauty from ashes. I will lay her at the feet of the ONE who paid the full price for her. He has the answers, and the solution, HE can deal and heal my pain, frustrations and disappointments.

I am so con fused of where Mental Illness fits in with God’s plan. Where does God fit into someone who isn’t right in the head, who seem helpless to make good choices and instead driven to make destructive choices? If the Holy Spirit lives inside Rachel how is she doing all these things? Does God hear the prayers of a lone mother? Does He capture her tears?

I trust. I just Trust.

Do you have an arm like God’s and can your voice thunder like His? … Then I myself will admit to you that your own right hand can save you. Job 40:9, 14
Who has claims against Me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to ME. Job 41:11
INDESCRIBABLE: Chris Tomlin

composer: Lora Story

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God